“About Last Night” is a weekly feature where no good tweet goes unpunished. Mort and Hugs serve up their weekly opinions on all tweets, links, and viral blunders relating to Belmont basketball… loosely.
The theme of this week’s About Last Night with Mort AND Hugs is “If you need to ask what the theme of this week’s ‘About Last Night with Mort and Hugs’ is then you are a mouth-breathing idiot who clearly accidentally stumbled across this page while looking for World of Warcraft forums or for sexy dudes (like Mort and Hugs) to pin to your ‘Hottiez w/ Bodiez’ board on Pinterest.”
It’s March Madness and this is a basketball blog, you dummy. Thus, this week’s column is devoted (almost) entirely to all things tourney. I need to give a shoutout to our D.C. Doppelgangers, @CasualHoya. They are classy guys with a great blog who are willing to engage in some good-natured, competitive repartee during the week leading up to our matchup. That said, Mort and Hugs would like to go on record as saying that Casual Hoya and all of their brood can go die. Anyone who is not a Bruin or Bruin supporter is in our eyes, for at least the next 48 hours, a festering pile of human garbage. But more on that later.
FIRST, allow me to explain why I’m fairly certain that Nashville will be one of the first cities to perish in burning sulfur under God’s righteous judgment (that’s what the movie 2012 was about, right?). I would like to direct your attention to the screenshot below:
This was taken at around 10:30 p.m. on Sunday night, mere hours after the selection show. TWO Nashville teams are in the tournament, and there was not a single reference to Belmont, Vanderbilt, Bruins, Commodores, NCAA, or March Madness (unless that’s what The Announcement refers to. The world may never know). The only overtly basketball-related topics were Magic Johnson andThe NIT, which of course stands forNobodygivestwocrapsaboutyourInsignificant Tournament. I just about lit my own house on fire out of bewildered anger tinged with the sadness that comes from acknowledging societal decline. Topics that were somehow MORE relevant than the biggest Nashville sports news since Matt Hasselbeck (not a high bar, I know) include:
(More after the jump)
- (Titans Owner) Bud Adams – wrong sport, wrong season, you idiots.
- Oprah – you know her show is over, right?
- #ForTheHoes – Out of morbid curiosity, I clicked on this hashtag. What I found were a string of warnings and pearls of wisdom for – who else? – the hoes. I’m sure “the hoes” were glad for all the free advice and constructive criticism. These “hoes” may be of questionable moral fortitude, but I’ll be darned if they don’t live by the words of random strangers who don’t use punctuation. Is using #ForTheHoes like saying “Rumplestiltskin,” in that anyone who actually identifies with your (quite frankly misogynistic and cruel) label is REQUIRED by some mystical compact with the universe to heed your advice/warning?
Now that it is established that our fair city needs to have a come-to-Jesus moment, in which Jesus is basketball, let’s move on to the the pressing business at hand: THE TWEETS
Hugs: What. the. crap. does this even mean? Lipscomb, is there no level of absurdity your endorsements won’t reach? Also, I’d be willing to bet you $50 in Lifeway gift certificates that Gary Sinise and Charlie Daniels (especially Charlie Daniels) have on multiple occasions engaged in whatever got BurgTime dismissed from the team.
Mort: Hugs, if this is the new all-time low, then it’s re-setting the one set by Belmont when Bob Fisher renamed the roundabout in front of Pembroke “Melinda Doolittle Way” for a taping of American Idol, in which 50 people showed up, and they had to film Melinda in the back of a ‘97 Mustang convertible driving past the 50 people, and then stop filming, move the 50 people about 30 feet and film again until they had reached the end, where a ceremonial street sign had been posted and Bob gave a speech that ended with “America is a Christian nation, and what America needs…is an IDOL!”…or something like that.
Wow. Just, wow.
Drew Hanlen (@DrewHanlen)
PUTT-PUTT CHAMPION!!! My lifetime win streak stays alive!#UndefeatedChamp
Folks, this guy is the consummate athlete. Sadly, I bet this is a stat that you won’t hear the biased sports media quoting during March Madness coverage. What’s YOUR lifetime best putt-putt streak, Mort?
I stopped going to putt-putt when I no longer needed my mom to drop me off places.
hey Belmont fans did y’all see this? On CNN – Belmont a pick for final 4! pic.twitter.com/qqFTvA8E
Just because this analyst may or may not be high doesn’t mean he’s NOT a prophet.
In other news, Tom Izzo endorses Dove products, which is great for when you want to smell like a 54 year old man. Or success.
Guy in my class was filling out his bracket & turned to me & said, “Sorry dude. I got y’all in the Sweet Sixteen, but KU is too good” LOL
“… and then I stabbed him in the trachea LOL”
…and while I’m playing in the greatest amateur athletic event in the country, you’ll be eating that new Dorito taco in your mom’s basement. ROTFLMF. Also, if there isn’t actual money or some sort of bet that involves the loser doing something naked or extremely embarrassing or a legitimate prize at the end of the tournament, then shut your damn yapper about your bracket. If there’s nothing to lose, then there is nothing for anyone to hear about.
Gonna be even more fun when you get buried in a barrage of 3’s. Mathematically speaking, 3 is greater than 2. Also mathematically speaking, I hate you.
We know we can’t dunk. But our heads AND our faces? Just pick one or the other and be done with it. Just know that we’ll dominate where it counts…BELOW the rim. And we’ll be polite about it, by perfectly executing jump-stop layups on either your head OR your face. But not both.
Casual Hoya @CasualHoya
Actually, based on Springsteen’s blue collar roots and his championing of the working man, that song seems like a diatribe directed in no small part at your very city. You do know that the housing/banking crisis couldn’t have happened without some complicity from Washington, D.C., right? I’m willing to bet you Rush Limbaugh’s lost ad revenue that Bruce Springsteen is no fan of at least half of the things coming out of D.C., and it can’t be much of a stretch for that to include Georgetown. Mathematically speaking, the Boss hates you.
I literally think that this is hyperbole.
Casual Hoya @CasualHoya
Apples and oranges. And by apples and oranges, I mean horses and people my friend. Or horses and bears, depending how you look at it. So bears are definitely better, you dummy. You can still bet on the Bruins, you just can’t shoot any of them if they break a leg.
That depends on whether or not you would prefer to lose your gambling money in a 60 second pony race or a 60 minute basketball game, which is what will happen if you bet the Hoyas at -4 today.
yall wanna see something funny???
I’m generally a humorless person, so probably not. I would like to see you lose though. But that wouldn’t be funny, because then I’d feel bad for you. JK ROTFL c-ing u lose would make me LOL til I puke haha #truth
Tweet of the Week
This is Murray, Kentucky’s second ascension to the top of our weekly tweets, and the second week in a row in which the tweet of the week is not a tweet at all. I have only two questions for these two:
1. What legitimate rap career has begun this way?
2. Who is asking these questions that need to be answered?
I didn’t make it past the first chorus (hook? actually, I don’t care). I have no idea what to even say about this. It makes me angry. First of all, you should take your studies more seriously and stop throwing stuff at the freaking professor. No one thinks it is cool when you are 26 on your 8 year undergraduate plan. And I love how you started it with “Biology vs. Theology” like your basketball team poses an actual academic problem to be solved. This initial question goes unanswered.
But mad props for name dropping Popeye Jones.
The best part of that video: the dancing horse. The worst part of that video: everything not involving a dancing horse. Also, you probably wouldn’t have to make terrible rap videos to increase your university’s visibility if you would stop interrupting board meetings with a parade of gyrating buffoons. You know that those are the kinds of questions that those stuffy old guys are tackling, right? They’re hard at work trying to make your institution known for something besides being one of the biggest universities in Kentucky, which is known primarily for crystal meth, gambling on ponies, and whiskey, in that order. You are just making things worse. So stop.
In summation, come to Sportsmans today for the Official Unofficial BBC Belmont Viewing Party. It’s like the viewing party at campus, but for grown ups. Grown ups with extremely stunted emotional development. Mort and Hugs not only guarantee a Belmont victory, we guarantee a damn good time to be had by all. This is the cherry on top, the new car smell in the Kia, and please don’t you leave, ‘til you see me.